What If a Two-Headed Alien Roasted Your Writing?
(Then Roasted The Whole Planet!)
I'm not one of those UFO conspiracy theorists, but imagine this...
You’re sitting on the deck sipping freshly brewed coffee at 6:27 AM, dreaming of reaching 1,000 paid Substack subscribers.
You open your laptop, slightly admiring the 5 likes on yesterday’s post, when suddenly—whoosh!
A shimmering chrome flying saucer lands on your lawn in the half light of the rising sun.
WTF! (That's for the aliens landing, not my hackneyed prose).
The door opens releasing a puff of smoke (like on ET), and out waddles a two-headed, tentacled space alien from the planet Zarg.
Stay with me dear reader (someone's got to)...
One of the alien's heads speaks fluent Shakespearean English; while the other prefers snarky post-modernist pop culture references (yes, the second head greatly irritates the first).
The alien pushes your 'frozen-with-fear' body off your chair, sits down and starts scrolling through your Substack posts - grunting with disapproval.
As you lie cowering with humiliation on the deck, the alien turns to you - and with a clipped, raspy voice like the Predator, says:
"Is this the best you’ve got?"
Now adding astonishment and embarrassment to your fear and humiliation, you attempt a spluttered response, but words fail you (as they do on your roasted Substack), and you watch in silence as the disgusted alien waddles away.
Just before it reaches the top of its 'not-at-all derivative' ET rocket ramp, the alien turns in the doorway of the flying saucer and says:
"In reading your terrible Substack I've come to realise that humanity is beyond saving. There's only so many posts on 'writing about writing for writers by a writer' that I can stomach (and I've got 5!). So on that basis I've decided to nuke your whole planet from space!".
And with that the flying saucer takes off, leaving you crying into your now cold coffee.
Still there dear reader? Thought I'd lost you! 🤣
A Ridiculous Scene Perhaps, Yet a Surprisingly Useful Test
Because if the world was burned to a crisp by interstellar conquerors - would you be proud of your body of writing work?
Or would you let it shuffle off this mortal coil with a whimper (and as it happens a bang too in light of those nukes).
Would your creative output leave you wishing you’d spent less time chasing shiny hacks and more time saying something real?
In short: would your words be worth defending? (BTW, my answer would be only about 10%'s worth).
The Zargian Alien Test is Silly (Or is it?!)
Yes this badly-written scenario is silly—but the principle is serious.
Your readers are obviously far more earthbound than our tentacled visitor, but they crave the same thing: genuine words, consistent craft, and a voice they can trust.
If you’d be too embarrassed to share your Substack articles with a Shakespearian-speaking alien, chances are your audience senses the same weakness.
Authority is felt. Authenticity is proven in every line. Trust is earned with consistency and candour.
If you want to sell your words, you have to show up like you mean it, not cower on the deck in a made-up extraterrestrial invasion scenario.
(Self edit: yes, ok Loz, you’ve flogged that to death now!).
How To Pass The Alien Test
It’s simple really - just use these straightforward tactics:
Share your truth. Stories from your own journey connect better than second-hand advice.
Edit with ruthless kindness. If it sounds generic, kill it.
Invite your reader to act. Every post should spark a thought, a reply, a share, or link to your offer.
Keep showing up. Trust doesn’t come from one viral hit—it’s forged through your daily reps.
So if a Zarg space alien beams down for real tonight, let their first experience of humanity be you - a writer who believes in their words.
Someone who's ready to defend every line, and the entire human race of writers.
No pressure! 🤣
We Are The Borg (Zarg)
If you’d like to build a writing habit so strong it could withstand an alien invasion, subscribe to Weekday Writer and sharpen your skills, Monday to Friday:
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📧 loz@contentchampion.com